The Joy It Brings

On Wintering and letting the soft animal of your body love what it loves

Christmas trees pop up in November now. Barely have the Halloween decorations been taken down when the distant sounds of the ornate and sustained opening “I” from Mariah Carey’s Christmas hit seep into the soundtrack of our everyday lives. It seems more and more, as each year passes, we are desperate for the good tidings and joy that the holidays promise us. And yet, where December is filled with food and gift giving and eggy cream-based beverages, deprivation feels expectantly central to January: no more drinking! no more sugar! no more caffeine! no more looking at your phone!

To relax or slow down—which is to say to deprioritize productivity—must we first promise to punish ourselves back into a more acceptable way of being come the new year?

As we stare down the start of a new and uncertain year, I am reflecting on what it might look like to soften ourselves in an already hard world. Mary Oliver once wrote “let the soft animal of your body love what it loves” and I ask now what that looks like without punishment or expectation.

I mean this figuratively of course, but also literally. A recent post on my social media feed read “don’t forget: summer bodies are made in the winter” warning us against rest’s impact on future fitness goals. As I scrolled on I became keenly aware of my currently-very-winter body, lying in my bed under the warmth of my duvet wearing soft pants at 10:30 in the morning on a week day. I am slower these days. The cold outside penetrates my bones. The copious amounts of hand-washing during cold and flu season roughens and cracks the skin of my hands made already dry by winter. School breaks and winter illnesses mean my routines, which I rely heavily on to function, require too much flexibility and change to actually be considered routines and are therefore abandoned wholly and often.

I am indulging more—in rest, in slowing down, in taking my time to respond to email—all the while seeking to unlearn the shame of it. But I insist on being gentle with myself without the conditions of a future’s iron fist. Do you feel it too?

“We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall from us, revealing our bare bones” says Katherine May in her book Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times. “Given time, they grow again.”

I await who I may become when I’m ready to grow again; but for now, I Winter.

Courtney x

What I’m Recommending

📚 For anyone looking for short reads during winter’s short days:

Find these and more here.

What I’m Watching

📺 Somebody Somewhere - If you have HBO (or someone who will share their login info with you), this show is an absolute must. A “dramedy” set in Kansas, Somebody Somewhere follows Sam (Bridget Everett) as she returns to her hometown to care for her sick sister. The show begins after her sister’s death and follows Sam as she rebuilds her life and identity, one friendship at a time. A show with so much heart.

What I’m Excited For

🎧 Comedy Bang Bang “Best Of” Countdown — A mix of your favorite comedians and a who’s-who of up-and-coming improv comics, Comedy Bang Bang is a laugh out loud weekly comedy podcast hosted by Scott Aukerman (often said to be “the Lorne Michaels of improv”). At the end of the year, Scott and comedian Paul F. Tompkins sit down to play highlights from the top 10 episodes of the year as voted on by listeners. Listening to the best-ofs has been a holiday tradition for my husband and I for the past 10+ years.

🎥 Kneecap — A comedy/drama about the rise of Belfast-based rap group Kneecap, starring the actual rap group Kneecap that rap in both English and Irish.

Where I’m Giving

🚎 The Radical Street Librarian - Help a former public librarian-turned radical street librarian convert a trolley car into a mobile library so that she can bring books and storytime to communities with limited access to literature.

🚐 🏳️‍🌈 Out and About Bookshop - Purchase from or donate to the Out & About Bookshop, a mobile LGBTQ+ children’s bookstore connecting children and families in the Bay Area with affirming stories. Here’s a GoodReads review of one of our favorite books we purchased from them:

🏳️‍⚧️ Trans Santa - Give to this mutual aid network that connects gift givers with trans youth that are unhoused, in foster care, or are otherwise without crucial support they need to survive. You can give funds or order gifts via their website.

🎧 Libro.fm credits - For your Audible-using friends looking for non-Amazon alternatives, you can buy them audiobook credits from Libro.fm, an app that provides the same services as Audible but funds an independent bookstore of one’s choosing.